It is really, really hard to spend time with You. I can talk about You all day long. I can do good works in Your Name. I can sing worship songs about You. I can tell others about You.
But I struggle to spend time with You. The struggle is the same every single morning. Cup of coffee in hand, I slide my back down the wall and sit in the space we have christened “The Prayer Room.” Ironic since a whole lot of praying doesn’t really happen there.
I open my Bible and immediately am distracted by the pile of clothes on the floor I really should have folded…
I wonder if anyone has emailed me…
I check to see if anyone has liked any of my witty comments on facebook…
I switch between Edwards, Brainerd, Paul and Piper-searching for the author whose words will capture my attention and quiet my spirit.
I turn the heater on and then off again, once again wondering why my body struggles so to regulate its temperature.
I glance at the clock and note that it has been a whopping…5 minutes…drat.
Maybe I will should read the news for just five minutes. I glance at the clock again I note that 55 minutes have passed. Wow. Time surely flies when you are reading CNN.
I shut my computer and leave the room, wishing I could leave behind the feeling that I have just wasted an hour.
The truth is this: I don’t want to relinquish control of my life. I don’t want to be dependent on you. I am afraid that you will send me suffering without comfort. What if you give me painful trials and then force me to walk through them alone. What if you don’t want me?
It’s just much easier to accept the fact that quiet time wasn’t exactly a quieting of my spirit because of what I did or didn’t do–that leaves me hope that the next day will be better if I just exert a little more effort.
It is always about me. But what if it wasn’t? What if I asked my Father to fight for me? What if spending time with Jesus was actually that? How different would my life look?
Would You show me Father?