You Will Not Abandon My Soul
A Miktam[a] of David.
16 Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge.
2 I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord;
I have no good apart from you.”
3 As for the saints in the land, they are the excellent ones,
in whom is all my delight.[b]
4 The sorrows of those who run after[c] another god shall multiply;
their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out
or take their names on my lips.
5 The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup;
you hold my lot.
6 The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.
7 I bless the Lord who gives me counsel;
in the night also my heart instructs me.[d]
8 I have set the Lord always before me;
because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.
11 You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
I have a problem with jealousy. I have for as long as I can remember. When I was a young girl, I would grow fiercely angry when I felt that someone was favored or loved more than me. Sometimes this jealousy would stir within me over little things and sometimes bigger. I clearly remember playing Monopoly with my big sister when I was in grade school. She made me promise I wouldn’t cry if I lost. Needless to say, I cried. I still remember how strongly I felt those emotions. To this day, I have yet to lose a board game and be truly glad for the winner.
Sometimes this jealousy has impacted me and others in bigger ways. As I near my 30s, this has been particularly true of relationships. As my friends found godly spouses, married and had children, I grew more and more jealous. Why not me? What was so wrong with me? Why was God holding out on me? It was a cancer in me, causing me to become very bitter. It has been very hard for me to be genuinely glad for my two best friends as they celebrate important milestones in their perspective relationships–especially after being rejected by someone I thought I was going to be in a relationship with. The result caused tension and anger to pour out of my heart. My best friend felt pressure to hide the letters she had received from her guy and didn’t share what she had written to him about. I simply didn’t want to hear anything. His name alone felt like it was inextricably linked with this thought, “nobody wants you, nobody ever will.”
I think that I believed that when I got to IHOP somehow all my sin would be magically sucked up in a cosmic vacuum. Instead, it was just brought to the surface, acidic and bitter. I was jealous about everything.
her roommates likes her better than me/teacher thinks she is smarter than me/she sings better than me/her face is prettier than mine/she has hair and i don’t/she looks beautiful and i look like Gollum/God loves her and not me….
On and on, all day long I silently agreed that I was to be pitied. I was fundamentally lacking and the world therefore owed me something.
But as my friend DIxon would say, “I’m getting had.” As my best friend has purposed in her heart not to make my emotions her responsibility, I have found myself forced to face my ugly. Last night, the challenged was issued to me like this: “Why don’t you stop breaking agreement with the lies?”
Sounds good to me….
As I read this Pslam today, Truth brought me one step further in this journey of freedom: “The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.”
My God has counted me as HIs inheritance. I am a treasured possession that is fearfully and wonderfully made. I am delighted in.