I have been an intern at the International House of Prayer for about four months now. I have often considered if I have changed much over that time as it can sometimes be difficult to track changes in one’s own heart.
Well, today I began to read my old teaching blog from five years ago. As I was invited back into many deep memories so many emotions were awakened. But what struck me the most was how dark nearly all of the posts were that related to myself. Even up to the last six months before coming here, nearly every post that spoke about myself was negative. I was constantly berating myself and condemning who I was. My entire focus was on my own wretchedness which often translated into me begging the Lord not to leave me. I wrote this two years ago:
I am tired of many things.
I am tired of my excuses.
I am tired of believing the lies.
I am tired of being lukewarm.
I am tired of living defeated.
I am tired of settling.
I am tired of being a slave.
I am tired of trying to serve two masters.
I am tired of loving the opinion of man more than Jesus.
In other words, I am tired of being a sell-out.
But what if things were different?
What if I were sold-out for Jesus rather than continually being a sell-out?
What would happen? How would my life look different.
I’m not sure….but I want to find out.
So many prayers over the years begging the Lord to change me. And He certainly has answered my prayers. The change didn’t occur in a single moment, but over time. Like the steady rising of a tide, my heart has been transformed. I can now see what I never could before:
He delights in me. He sings praises over me and dances wildly around me. The trials that He brings me through are for my good. My name is engraved on His palms. He doesn’t despise my weak love. He knows the difference between immaturity and rebellion. Even my weakest ‘yes’ moves Him. One glance of my eye overwhelms Him. He is committed to me. He is captivated by my beauty. Like a husband fights for his wife, so much more so is my bridegroom fighting for his bride. He sees me different than everyone else. He removes my shame. I have a choice. He isn’t angry with me or disappointed. He loves me in a way no one else ever will. I don’t need to beg him–it is He who is imploring me to change my heart. He loves me.
I am dark, but I am lovely.
Praise be to the Lord Jesus Christ, who refused to allow me to offer up my life to the altar of self-hatred.
I love You.